You’re in the club having the time of your life.
The conversations are flowing in the smoking area and the moves are flowing far too readily on the dancefloor – everyone around you is probably in awe of that free-spirited vibe you’re giving off, right?
Chances are you’re babbling a load of rubbish, dancing like a complete and utter maniac, and asking way too many people for a cigarette – all of these while being an all-around sweaty mess.
But there’s nothing wrong with that because so is everyone else. It’s not like anyone is sober enough to judge you, is it?
Apart from the bartender, that is – the all-knowing guardian of the club world who has (literally) witnessed it all. And he’s experiencing all the annoying customers first-hand.
From birthday girls who’ve definitely had enough to pushy guys who think shouting will make their drink come quicker, bartenders are well-acquainted with the classics who grace their queues week in- and week out.
The one who doesn’t understand the concept of a queue
Ah, the queue-jumper member of the annoying customer group. Also dubbed as the self-entitled clubber, this party animal firmly believes that waiting was invented to irk everyone’s clubbing session but theirs.
Yes, we see you pushing in front of everyone else with your sharp elbows.
No, we’re not going to serve you quicker just because you’ve barged your way to the front of the queue.
And no, loudly exclaiming whenever we dare to serve anyone who isn’t you isn’t doing you much of a favor either.
You know what your mum says – patience is a virtue.
Feel free to try it sometime, you might get served quicker when you stop yelling at the already stressed-out staff about how ridiculous the wait is.
We’re trying our best.
The one who has definitely had enough
Let us guess, it’s either your birthday or you’ve recently re-entered the modern dating scene.
Whatever the reason, you’re going obscenely hard tonight, and everyone around you is a willing accomplice to your downfall.
You’re also part of the annoying customers gang.
Propped up against the bar half-asleep, you’ll insist you want 11 shots, a double rum with diet coke, and some jagerbombs to top it off.
Your friend will assure us that you’re definitely not too drunk, but we weren’t born yesterday. The most you’ll be getting from us is a glass of water and potentially a nod in the bouncer’s direction.
Trust us, with the way you’ll be feeling tomorrow, you don’t need anything else tonight. Who knows, maybe you’ll even thank us for avoiding a dreadful hangxiety.
The one who’s up for anything (until the card machine comes out)
This person is the life and soul of the party – or so they seem. They’re also an uber annoying customer.
They issue the cry of ‘shots!’ to anyone willing to listen. If you’re foolish enough to concede to their request, they’ll double your order and add some mixed drinks on top – nothing goes better with alcohol than more alcohol.
It’s funny how they suddenly turn into a wallflower when the drinks are poured and the card machine comes out. Then it’s all glancing down at the floor and saying they’ll get the next round – which *spoiler* they won’t.
We see you coming to the bar with a new victim every twenty minutes. We know you’re picking your drunkest mates who feel a bit too generous.
If you don’t have the cash for the club, try pre-drinking harder instead of scamming your friends.
The one who just won’t take the hint
No list of club caricatures and annoying customers would be complete without that creepy guy hovering by the bar, hoping to buy a woman’s time by offering her a drink.
We see you, hear you, and think you should leave her alone.
It shouldn’t take her male friend telling you to back off for you to quit trying.
She’s got an opinion of her own too, you know.
The one who thinks they can reinvent the price list
“How much?!” – this person will scream when you tell them the price of a double vodka cranberry. They’re definitely high on our list of annoying customers.
We get it – it’s overpriced. But unless this is your first time clubbing, you should probably know by now that nightclubs aren’t the go-to places for bargain booze.
Variations also include the customer who knows the person in charge of the club, which supposedly translates into an automatically free bar for the night – which, by the way, is never going to happen.
They also extend to the person who thinks that if they ask nicely enough, you’ll invent a new happy hour deal or give them a sneaky double for the price of a single. Nice try, but it’s not going to happen.
We’re a cog in the machine, not the operator. If you want to chop and change the price list, speak to the manager, not us.
Oh and FYI, when you get a glass of mixer with no spirit and rush straight to the loo with it in hand, we know you’re topping it up from your hip flask.
We just let you get away with it because, at the end of the day, we don’t get paid enough to care.